1st off: This is my idea, I haven't told my family or friends about this and don't think I will since that will affect what I post. This is an Idea I had after waking up at 5:45 a.m. due to a mosquito (I'll name her Jamie-belle) buzzing around my right ear(I still haven't killed her) and not being able to fall back asleep.
Me: I am an outwardly shy, inwardly loud, random, book reading, music loving, history geeking, imperfectionist, vertically challenged person (VCP for short(no pun intended)). All those are fine and normal things . . .maybe. The thing is that I have ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression. These things are as much a part of me as my VCP condition is.
Let me explain for those of you who do and don't have the above listed conditions, because no two anythings are exactly the same.
My ADHD: Imagine if you owned an office that was responsible for organizing and storing a lot of information, both very important and trivial. Now imagine that you have your own job so you hire a secretary. You didn't do your research though and that secretary doesn't read or write in the English alphabet. She has her own system of organization and by the time you drop by to check in everything is messed up, some things are filed somewhat correctly but on the other hand there are entire files within files that have connections to what those files say but don't belong there. For example in the banana folder are the files "banana bread recipe", a British Flag, and "Cello". You of course get after the secretary but she explains that banana bread is made with banana's. "yes" you say "but what is the flag doing in there?" you are then informed that banana's are yellow, yellow + submarine = Beatles, and Beatles are from England. "well okay then" you say "but what about a Cello?" your secretary simply sais that she doesn't remember but assured you that when she was organizing it it made perfect sense to her.
This is how my brain is. My ADHD is almost strictly organizational. Organizing my surroundings (room), schoolwork in backpack, my time (appointments especially), and my mind. I will be speaking and for some reason I can't remember the word 'Bear' and the word that comes to mind is something like 'maple'. I know that that isn't the right word so I will strain for a good 30 seconds while I struggle to find that lost word, half the time I find it, the other half I have to play charades with my conversation partner.
I am actually grateful for my ADHD because of the skills that I have probably because of it. I play the violin, sing, write music, Maille, draw, and have the best time reading books and letting my mind play it out for me.
The other part of my ADHD which wasn't recognised until just about a month ago is the Hyperactive part. When I was originally diagnosed at the beginning of High School the doctor, my parents, and even I threw the possibility of there being a hyperactive factor out the window. That is because it was covered by my Anxiety.
My Anxiety: Do you have a fear of something (spiders, mice, heights, dentists) now imagine if you were having to face it in a week. That you were going to be for whatever reason covered with spiders or mice. or that you were going skydiving, or that you had a major surgery at the dentist and they weren't able to use anesthesia. The tight stomach, shortness of breath, heart race occasionally racing. This is what I feel, but for no reason at all, there is no cause that I can find usually. When I do feel it, it comes and goes and fluctuates throughout the hours, days, and weeks. One of the causes of my anxiety is being in a group usually larger than 4 or so, especially if they are all friends. I will be extremely nervous, jumpy, and whenever I say anything it will always feel unbearably awkward and I will not dare say anything for a while.
It was this anxiety that kept me quiet and either in the middle or against a wall in the classroom throughout school, that kept me from getting close to more than a couple people at once, and kept me alone for the most part.
I also for whatever reason have a great fear of teachers. Not teachers in general, just when They are, or ever have been my teacher. This did not help when I had to talk with teachers and later professors.
My Depression: Only sets in when my anxiety has been out of control for a long time. A dull ache that shows up as physical symptoms and illness.
I currently take Celexa for my Anxiety, as well as Terazadone at night so I can not be an Insomniac (my mind never stops going with my ADHD) I have learned various coping skills to deal with my ADHD as well as some for my anxiety.
I am who I am. I cannot change that I am 4 feet 10 inches tall, any more than I can change that I have ADHD or Anxiety. All I can do is choose what attitude I have and how I cope with them.
No comments:
Post a Comment