A little History

The not so happy part: I have always struggled in school but after finding more out about my Anxiety I believed that I could just pop a pill every day and become an 'A' student, and I hated it. I hated being treated different. Whether it is just people automatically grabbing something on the top shelf for me while I was in the middle of climbing up a chair to get it myself, or if they tried to force me into opting out of timed tests (testing is one of my strong points in school). I did not want to be dependant on a pill for the rest of my life in order to be successful.

I started my first semester of BYU-Idaho well and excited to succeed in college to somehow make-up for my failures in high school. A few weeks in I witnessed a little boy on a bike get hit at a crosswalk. I never found out what happened to him after the ambulance took him. After that I was understandably shaken, but it became more and more as time went on. It started with not being able to fall asleep till 2, 3, and even later in the morning. My earlier classes started suffering first because I didn't go to them. Even when I was awake and headed off to class my anxiety was so high that I wouldn't dare walk into the classroom and instead would sit in a study area or the library while I waited till when my class would have gotten out, then I would go back to my dorm and appear as if I were doing what I was supposed too. My grades which were already not the best (C- to B-) they plummeted. It was also during this time that I quit taking my medicine entirely I was in a very dark place till about thanksgiving when I finally opened up about my struggles and started talking with my professors. I was also very physically ill during this time due to stress. I was banking on 3 of my classes to pull up and stay at BYU-I, 2 of the 3 came through. I got an email on the morning of the 25 of December informing me that I was no longer a student at BYU-I. I went through the whole petition process and still in the end was denied. I do not blame the school at all since I was the one with a GPA lower than a 1.0. I had to drive back up to Rexburg with my dad and 2 of my brothers to get all of my stuff and sign out of my dorm. It was by far the saddest ride I have ever been on and the darkest moment of my life where I honestly believed that I was nothing but a failure and didn't deserve the dirt under my feet. It was in the next 2 months that I was able to overcome my depression, find my self worth, and greatly strengthen my faith in God.

The Happy Part: I was able to get a temporary job the fall to pay off my housing contract I was locked into. I applied, and was accepted to attend USU starting this fall. I am put on probation status and I am very grateful that they even gave me a chance. It has been quite an experience visiting several doctors, psychologist, psychiatrists, and student mentors at USU. I have learned so much about myself and that knowledge has helped me get rid of the negative thoughts I had about myself. I have learned to accept my ADHD and Anxiety and have learned that by being more open about my experiences (not this open though) that I am able to help others have these mental-emotional problems. I am now set to succeed at USU. My private goal is not just to keep from failing but to have a 3.5 or above GPA.

Wow, that was a long 2 posts, but now I will actually be able to start with my blog and my life from here on out. No looking back, but still remembering what has been, and looking for the best in what is to come. It's going to be a fun ride! I will begin the post about my life at USU tomorrow.

P.S. If anyone has any questions for me feel free to post or E-mail.