Sometimes the sun smiles down at you and the whole world is aglow; Sometimes the wind howls and the lightning crashes and fear threatens to overwhelm you; Sometimes it's just cold and wet and everything becomes a dull ache that seems to slow your mind and numb your heart...
The last ten days I have had two friends pass away.
I knew Kim since middle school. She was always smiling, always kind, and would go out of her way to be my friend. I went through a time when my group of friends had split in two and I found myself without any friends at all since I refused to choose a side. During this time Kim invited me to her birthday party, and that's when I got to know her. She was always an example to me of kindness and service. The last 2 years she battled against Leukemia. She returned to her Heavenly Father last Thursday.
Mrs. Law taught me how to play the violin. She had an incredible amount of patience with me and would always encourage me to do my best. She was my private teacher up through high school. She was also a great friend of my mother and served in the stake relief society presidency with her. She battled for a little while with a brain tumor... she returned home earlier today (Thursday).
I am not sure if I am feeling the way I should or not. I am faithful and I know that both of them are on the other side of the veil being amazing missionaries. I know that I will be able to see them again and tell them what I didn't get to while they were here. I feel guilty feeling as sad as I do. I know that there were many others who knew both of these wonderful women a lot better than me. Then I have this emptiness inside. It's like all the emotion I feel are hollow and empty most of the time, I don't feel much of anything. Usually I can't cry, its like the tears get stuck before they get to my eyes. When I do cry it seems to be only a fraction of the tears I need to shed.
The biggest relief for me has been music. I have been listening to a variety of music. From bittersweet-sad classical music, to Broadway, to Owl City, I have been able to feel less hollow because of the music.
Even when I am not 'listening' to music, I have been hearing, and writing down, melodies and songs for the last week. They are in my notebooks and on my laptop. It is really weird to have music coming out of me like this, I have never had this happen before. Its like I have to say something and the melody and words just fall into my head and go down to my fingers. I am hoping that music will help me to say and feel what I need to.
Maybe I will post some of my music stuffs... later though. It is late, but I believe that I will be able to sleep now that I have gotten some of this off my chest. Goodnight.
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