So I am taking English 1010 this semester. I love writing, that is not a problem at all, I just have issues with my fellow classmates reading my work. Whenever I write I am not happy with it till I have put a bit of my soul in it. Something that is so simple and real that connects others to the words that I have written. I was not expecting to read the essays out loud on the first day of class. Not good. I got rather embarrassed. I read the words and for some reason they sounded hollow and lifeless. I couldn't get them to ring true like they did before. I was told I did a good job and all, but it still bugged me. I don't know why exactly. . .
I love being with people. But when I am surrounded by others, even those I love, I somehow lose myself. I find myself a hundred miles away looking through a telescope. I can't ring true, I can't sing out, I can't say the words I need to say and so I just wait until I can one day. It happens all the time. I will want to be with people, and when I am with them I can't say what I so want to say out loud, something stops me, the words get stuck in my brain and awkwardly stumble out of my mouth. I have the words I want to say, I could even write them down, but they lose the meaning and emotion that they should have once they are uttered.
It's like knowing how to play the most perfect of songs for someone to hear at a certain point, but your instrument is out of tune, and no matter what you can't get it to stay tuned. It is frustrating and I have yet any idea how to communicate with others in a group setting. I am so embarrassed when I am stuck with my out-of-tune instrument and don't dare jam with everyone else because it won't sound right. . .One on one or up to four people or so I am better, but any more and I am lost inside my own head.
The music I share suffers as well. Alone I can play anything up to an sophomore-college orchestra level. I feel free and I have no tension as the melody sings from my violin and soul with no effort at all. I love playing with others more, but when I am with others my mind and body rebels against me and reduces me significantly in what I can play, or play well. I stumble over every musical phrase, every run of notes, and even simple rhythms. One time in High School I recorded myself playing a solo. I let some of my Friends listen to it and when I told them it was me they thought I had just invented the funniest joke ever. I decided to laugh along and didn't tell them again.
School is going good, I am just baffled at the moment by myself.
I apologise for this post being overly serious and negative.
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